Okay i guess i wasn’t done. Well i’m done with talking about Josh. 

Now i sit here and think about everything that has happened this year. I have met so many great guys this year. Some for just fun and others i have thought would be something more serious but they just didn’t work out. I had some of the best dates of my life this year, and even last summer after josh and i broke up. I went to an arcade on a first date over the summer. Beyond fun! It was one of the best first dates ever. When i got to school, a guy took me to an italian restaurant, then we went to bigstar for a milkshake but that was the weekend they closed soooo we searched around to find Shirls…and even though he lives in kenosha it took him a good 30 minutes to find it. I conquered that milkshake and it’s still a joke between the two of us. That night we sat on the rocks by the lake…one of my favorite spots to this day, and just talked for hours. This is where he told me he was the national pokemon champion. A few days later we went to the beach with chocolate chip cookies and watched the moon come up over the lake. I have no idea why things didn’t work out between us but those were some great dates! Oh, and how can i forget…we went to see finding nemo at the drive in as well and he brought my favorite candy and i brought his! It was perfect! But didn’t work out. Then there was another guy. First date was cold so we just hung out in my room. Second date was warmer so we went to the beach and swam in the lake. That was my first time fully submerged in the lake and it was great! Then we dried off by playing frisbee on the beach which was also a ton of fun.  We went on dates to mcdonalds, wendys, and burger king. lol…and we also went to the drive in as well. One time we even did a double date with my roommate and her boyfriend, that was the night we finally kissed also. I thought this one was going to turn into an actual relationship but he proved me wrong about that one then told me he didn’t want a girlfriend yet currently has one. Oh well. He was a great guy and a ton of fun. omgoodness, how could i forget…he came out to my house in January when my parents were gone and we went out to the bars with my best friend, and another friend and her boyfriend. It was SUCH a good night! So much fun.

Let’s see who else…a few other guys who i was just causal hooking up with and hanging out with for quite a few months. One hates me because he thought i really liked him which i never said but apparently he really liked me and is mad so he deleted me from everything. The other just left for Afghanistan and i’m actually really sad he is gone for 15 months because he became a great friend. 

Then over Jterm break I met a guy at a bar in my time and we hung out for that whole long weekend. it was love at first sight. without a doubt. I’ve never had feelings so fast for someone in my life. We talked for hours and hours at the bar and i kicked his ass at darts…he never saw that coming…neither did i. the next night we played pool and i was a pool shark…almost won. Then we watched the hawks and later went back to his place and watched a movie. I left and he txtd me saying i thought you were going to kiss me. being who i am and not making the first move I didn’t kiss him but said aww i’m sorry i can turn around. He said he wouldn’t mind. I turned around and went back to his place. he hopped in my car and it was the best kiss of my life. so perfect i can’t even explain it. I instantly fell in love. It’s crazy i know. Next day was the Super Bowl so i went over there to watch it and stayed there until it was over. i was cleaning off my car getting ready to leave and he came out and said ya know, you don’t have to leave if you don’t want to. he convinced me to stay. he missed me already. he had the same feelings for me as i did for him. so we just cuddled all night. then i went back over there the next day before i came back to school and just cuddled again. he was sad i had to leave and wouldn’t be home for a few weeks. how did we build something so strong in such a short time?! I have no idea but it was great. he would txt me how he missed me and missed kissing me and couldn’t wait for me to come back home. it was the best and we weren’t even dating! He told me he wanted me to come home earlier than i was going to…he wanted me to come home for valentines day. The week of valentines he txtd me saying he couldnt’ do this anymore and still had feelings for his ex. the day before valentines rolls around and he asked if i was still coming home and he wanted me to. i didn’t want to but i did. he never really explained what happened with his ex tho. so i went home. we went out to the bars for valentines and just had a good time. oh and we had dinner too. i bought dinner and some drinks because he hadn’t been paid yet, so before we left the bar he stood up and kissed me. It was completely unexpected but beyond perfect. the little things are what get me. So i stayed for the weekend. we went to the movies and got some pizza before i left to go home. i got back to school and after that week, i haven’t heard from him since. i was pissed.

oh man who was after that…umm…he might be it. i have been talking to a lot of guys for a really long time but never met them…i’ve finally met a few which has been great. talked for 4 hours with one in his car one night when we first met. he’s a super great guy and amazingly attractive as i knew from his pictures but those never do justice. perfect teeth and he has goals in life and just…wow. he was awesome. and i’ve met more local guys from around kenosha as well. spent some time with them but nothing has happened and also met more guys here on campus. spending time with them, having some fun, all of the above. Not sure where i intend to go with any of these guys, not sure if any of them have ideas either. i guess i’m just still doing things for myself, along with now adding josh to the mixture again. 

I have had one heck of a year with school and relationships that’s for sure. 

Now to face graduation which hopefully my grandma can make it to. She is the only grandparent i have left and couldn’t make it to my high school graduation because her back wash hurting. Well, at this point in her life pain is inevitable. she is always in pain it is just a matter of figuring out how to help her feel better. So she better be able to make it or i won’t even want to walk across the stage. she missed a huge step of my life in high school and i don’t want her to miss this. it will mean everything to me for her to make it up here with my parents. she means the world to me and i love more grandma to death more than i love anyone. My grandma is the greatest person there is and i have no clue what i would do without her. her sense of humor is fantastic and i think that is why i love her so much. so the next 15 days are filled with worries of her making it up her also. i know she would love to see my graduate. especially since we have no clue if she will get to see my wedding day since i’m not getting married in september anymore. i hope she makes it. 

oh man…my hands are tired. i think i’ve said it all now and need to go eat my oreos. 

I haven’t written in forever and I really really need to. So here goes…

I have 15 days left before I graduate college. Holy fucking shit where did the time go?! I have two classes left on tuesday and then a lunch with my class on thursday. I hardly even need to be here. I don’t have any finals and if it wasn’t for graduation I could be out of here on wednesday. 

I have absolutely no idea how i got here. When I came into college I was in a serious relationship which turned into an engagement the next year. The year after that i broke it off and met a best friend who I ended up dating. The year after that I was single and just having fun and doing things to better my life. And now I have 15 days left before I leave this home away from home for pretty much ever. I can’t believe it. I have woken up to a view of lake michigan 9 months out of every year for the past 4 years. It has been the greatest view in the world and it is something that has gotten me through my 4 years. 

In the past four years, I’ve met so many friends. My two roommates, my classmates, my teammates, my ex boyfriend, and so many others. In the past four years I never once went to a party. Never once went to a frat house or team house and I only went to a bar once. In the past four years I honestly got the college experience I wanted. I didn’t want to get drunk every weekend or party every weekend. I came here to get an education and then get the hell out and get a job. That’s exactly what I have done. Did I have fun? Yea I guess so. I honestly wasn’t concerned with fun thought. When I came in I was in a relationship and just wanted to finish college, get married, and have a job that would support us. I guess I’m finishing college with that same mindset, just single. 

I’m not sure where i’m going with this, but the point is that college was no more and no less than what I expected. and now i only have 15 days left which seems crazy but at the same time i’m beyond excited to student teach and can’t wait to get a job teaching little kids. I’m also super excited for the summer and my three jobs and possible going to dallas to see chad again but also to go to the dallas chive meet up.

Summer is going to be interesting though. Going into summer single is great, but now that i’m out of college I realize that it’s going to be much harder to meet people. Not that i need to right now though because i have a few guys that are interested in me, i just haven’t spent enough time with any of them to figure out if i feel the same way. So i plan on doing that this summer and maybe making something out of that, but who knows. Maybe nothing will come out of it at all. Something else i get to think about this summer is josh. And yes i know every post i make always ends up talking about him but here is why…

Bryanna broke up with him on monday. This may sound bad but my first thought was that I was actually happy about it. I mean yes i feel bad for him but at the same time I have never liked her for so many reasons and she has basically been the reason why I never put myself out there 100% towards josh as just a friend while they were dating. I just didn’t feel like I could be myself around him anymore or that I wanted to be myself. i wasn’t even sure I wanted to be his friend anymore but i have tried because we were such good friends before we dated and it’s really hard to lose a friendship like that..even if it is over a new girlfriend. So anyway, they broke up, and she broke up with him the same way he did to me, saying that she was falling out of love and thought that time apart would help. Karma is a bitch right?! Yea. Those were my first thoughts. But now that we have been talking, I have no idea how to feel. First off, I don’t know how he feels. He isn’t really showing emotion of anger or hatred etc. He has kind of said a few things but no specifics really. but i know he needs time. They dated for almost a year and although he never told me i’m sure he loved her. 

But as we talk, and I told him this, now that she isn’t in the picture, my feelings for him are slowing going to come back. honestly, they never left. And here is why. Josh and i were such good friends before we dated. I have never had such a good/close friend especially of the opposite sex like him before. We talk about absolutely everything and I love it. I have no idea what I would do without that. We are so open with each other and can make fun of each other and just do crazy things and be best friends. and we both know it. So because of this, when we dated, it just felt so easy. It felt like I knew everything about him and that life was perfect. And that’s the thing about relationships…I WANT A BEST FRIEND. I tell this to every guy i meet that i want to be your best friend and then your girlfriend. I want to be so comfortable with you because it makes relationships that much better. And so with josh and I, we were best friends and then we dated, and it was beyond perfect. So while he was with Bryanna, I couldn’t be that friend with him anymore, and i basically buried my feelings because what was the point of having them anymore right?!

Okay so where am i going with this…umm…lets just say that now that he is single again, my feelings are going to come back. that’s not exactly a bad thing, but i don’t expect anything to come of it. that being said, i could be wrong. but i’m not going to push it. he needs to figure things out and get over bryanna which i would never push upon him. he can take however long he needs. for all i know they might get back together. and that’s fine. i’m not banking on us ever getting back together, but the thought has crossed my mind many of times since he told me they broke up.  BUT, if we were to get back together, things would be different. Not in a bad way, but he would need to know things about his life before we dated again. I”m not looking to spend 3 or 4 months of my life with someone anymore and then throw it away and have to try again. I’m only looking for serious relationships now. And no, i can’t predict the future and things happen, but  the point is that I won’t date him again unless he has a serious outlook on relationships meaning that he wants a serious and long term relationship…we would have to be on the same page there because i don’t need to waste my time anymore. He needs to plan out his future in many aspects and then i would consider getting back together with him.

So i get to think about all of this with the summer to come. And with 15 days left with little class and no homework, these things are already on my mind. Do I want to date? Do i have hope for josh and I? Do i want to have another single summer? Do i just want to keep doing things that are best for me?! I have no idea. It’s a lot to think about and I just needed to type it all out and get it out of my mind for a while. I’m alone in my room this weekend so believe me when I say my mind is all over the place.

But anyway…graduation is soon upon us and i’m still amazed. It’s been a great run and I will always love Carthage. It’s a great school and I got a great education. I don’t care how many people complain about the petty things here, I will always love it and it will soon be my alma matter. Here’s to the class of 2013. Let’s go graduate. 

thingsteachersdo:

whatshouldbifflescallme:

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Where the hell do I even start….

2011 ended by breaking up with my ex fiancé and finding a new love in Josh. 2012 started and continued with Josh until about half way through until he broke up with me…the things i could still say and haven’t said about that are endless but whatever. although since it’s almost 2013 maybe I should just say them all so that I don’t have to think about any of it anymore. Because in 2013 i’m really trying to start over. Not with forgiveness, but just trying to forget things. Start over with a clean slate, no past memories, no past anything. In order to do that, that means deleting a lot of the past year. Honestly, if I were to even try to start over 100% that means deleting Josh from my facebook and twitter, hardly talking to him at all. That seems so irrational but I guess sometimes you have to go all out to start over. 

2012 seriously sucked major ass. It was easier getting over my 3 year relationship with my ex fiancé than it was getting over 4ish months with Josh, and I can’t say with 100% certainty that i’m even over that one now. 2012 brought many new “friends,” some genuine some just for sex. And now that 2012 is ending, I don’t feel like I have any friends to be honest. Getting let down has been a theme this year, big time. And it’s not like I expect anything big from anyone but a consistent friendship would be nice, not just some assholes looking for sex.

I don’t know, I’ve never actually said a year sucked before. I’ve never actually wanted to start over new and forget everything that happened the year before along with the people that were included. I’ve never said that before. I have my jar back at school filled with the good things that happened in 2012. When I get back to school I can’t decide if I want to open the jar and read through them all or just dump it out and start over because most of the things I once thought were good are now just terrible memories I can’t stand to think about anymore. For example one i know says something off of Josh’s Tumblr, it said “I can easily see her as the sister in law to my baby brother and sister.” What the fuck happened to that? You don’t just say shit like that and then let it disappear like it never happened. So that’s the last note in my jar I want to read. Or things like “he told me he loved me” or “we did this and that.” I don’t want to know and I don’t want to remember. That’s terrible saying I want to get rid of these memories but just seeing Josh at school sometimes makes me hurt. Then I see him with his girlfriend or he talks about her and I hurt even more. I know I shouldn’t I really really know this but for some reason there is a part of me that still does. There is a part of me that cringes when I see a new facebook status about him doing something with her, a huge part of me cringes in general for the fact that the world knows about them but never knew about us. Like I was some ugly secret that he was ashamed of, and honestly when I think about our relationship now I sometimes, actually a lot of times think that is how he felt about me (this would fall under the category of “things I’ve never told him or said before”). I still question ever day, what girl in their right mind would date a guy 9 days after he breaks up with another girl, no matter how much you may like this guy you wait a good solid month before you go after him. It makes me wonder if she even knew he was dating me because clearly nobody else ever did. I don’t care that they hooked up before I ever met him, that means nothing to me. You can’t tell me that based on that hook up you guys shared something more the whole time we were dating. If you shared something that deep why did you even bother with me. Sure I was your friend and I was helping you get over Katie but when I look back at it, it seemed wrong all along. Not from my end, but from yours. I would have gone to the tallest mountain or shouted it from the roof top that I was with you and I loved you. But you…I felt like you wouldn’t even tell the fly on the wall or the worm in the ground. I felt like a caged animal that nobody would ever know about, a secret that was so shameful you would feel like you would get made fun of if you told. I felt loved when you said you loved me, but if you really loved me you would have taken me to formal whether i wanted to go or not. You wouldn’t have made it an option. Regardless of if she took you to hers and you were repaying the favor, you just don’t do that. And that’s always been the difference between us. The things you do in everyday life are things I wouldn’t do in my lifetime. 

It’s never really been the breakup that has pissed me off or made me cry, it’s just been the fact that you got over it so fast and moved on with another girl. Another girl that I saw you hug the last day of school when you didn’t even hug me goodbye. Another girl you would txt on a daily basis and she would even call you babe…yes i saw that txt. I will just never get over the fact that I did so much shit for you like come get you at 7 in the morning after your birthday, come to your room early in the morning because you had a hangover, buy you numerous things, take you places, go on mini road trips…etc, etc and what did I ever get in return? A bottle opener, and Bert…granted I love Bert to death but he is besides the point. The point is that I wouldn’t be sitting here typing all of this if you would have just waited to move on. Or if you would have acknowledged that I was your girlfriend to more people than Andrea and your dad. Did you ever even tell your dad 100%, or even your parents for that matter? 

This was my biggest problem in 2012. I know it’s all Josh Josh Josh but my whole summer just sucked from that moment on. I never wanted to get out of bed or go to work. I stopped playing golf because I was just emotionally beat down. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m complaining but it just hit me harder than any break up ever has…

Then I got to school and that just added to it along with meeting new guys and balancing relationships with them which none have gone anywhere. Now I head to Texas to ring in the new year with a guy I can’t even kiss now.  Granted his new girl is a jealous bitch and not happy that I am coming down and they are sort of just friend now until I leave but still. I never saw us going anywhere but I still wanted to have fun.  Now I get 9 days of hell and get to start the new year off terribly. I would much rather be back home or even with Kevin for that matter having a few drinks and kissing a guy I actually like and would really like to start something with.

2012 sucked ass and 2013 isn’t going to start that well.  I know I need to be optimistic because 13 is my lucky number but that might take some time still.  Hopefully in the next 8 days I can change my mind.